Last post of the week...

Yeah, I won't get a chance to post again because I'm going on a retreat with InterVarsity called Sonburst. I went last year and it was like the best thing I've ever done. We're leaving tomorrow after classes. I'm SOOO excited! It will be great to have a weekend with no homework and total focus on things of God. I'm sure there will be some good stuff to post about when I get back. So that's all for now. Later.

"this is a [post] about the two loves of my life..."

In order of affection: Tazo Chai Tea Latte and Tazo Chai Tea Cream Frappachino. Yumm! Monday night was our much-anticipated first trip of the semester to Barnes and Noble. It was then that I discovered the latte. Today I had a craving for another one, so on my way to my elementary school I stopped in again. I decided to try the frappachino. It was different but quite good.

Monday was a weird day. One of those where everything feels as though it's going wrong, yet God spoke in very clear ways in the midst of it all. I was struggling with thoughts of my future... where I'm going, what I'm doing, etc. At InterVarsity we sang "No Sacrifice," the words of which I have posted here on more than one occasion. I needed that song so badly. Here go the lyrics once more...
to You I give my life
not just the parts I want to.
to You I sacrifice
these dreams that I hold on to.

Your thoughts are higher than mine,
Your words are deeper than mine,
Your love is stronger than mine.
This is no sacrifice, here's my life.

to You I give the gifts
Your love has given me.
how can I hoard the treasure
that You designed for free? (chorus)

to You I give my future
as long as it may last.
to You I give my present.
to You I give my past.

The speaker on Monday said something to the effect of "if you're comfortable, you're missing out on something." I thought to myself, "well, I must not be missing out cause I'm really uncomfortable right now!" Honestly, Monday was a really rough day. But I really needed to hear what the speaker had to say. He talked about having faith to take a risk and just trust God. He mentioned how we sing the words to the song I just posted, yet we just want to sit in the boat instead of stepping out on the water.

Good things have happened in the last 24 hours. God is starting to show me the answers to the prayers I prayed on Monday. I've been able to get a lot of my thoughts together. I know He's in control. I know something incredible is going to take place in my life in the next few years. I'm excited.

"Time is the writer's biggest enemy."

poetry...

"...their fingers catching, their hearts lacing,
her brown hair curling 'round pink and yellow wildflowers."

--the last two lines of "Pink and Yellow Wildflowers" by Terri L. Gamble, a fellow Flagler student (I'll post the whole poem another time)

Boy, what an exciting day... just kidding. So I woke up for class this morning (and I actually went to breakfast today) and in my psychology class there was this professor dude who wasn't our usual teacher. He was like, "Dr. Noboloff is unable to be here today, so I'm supposed to put in this video for you and you're supposed to stay till it's over." So we had to watch a 20 minute ANIMATED video about the effects of drugs on the human brain. It was honestly the worst thing I've ever had to sit through. I was really shocked that only one person left class since there was no professor and we didn't take roll. My second (and last) class of the day was fine. After that, I went to the 95 Cordova cafe and sat out on the patio balcony thingy and read some Plato. Lost focus after a while and started sketching random things on my paper. Got a phone call from Brenna. Read a little more. Walked down St. George Street a bit. Walked back to school. Read some more out in the gazebo, where some of the philosophy majors were sitting around with one of those Aborigonal Austrailian instrument thingies... you know, those long wood tube things that really only have one pitch, therefore I find them very boring... yeah, that was a little weird. Couldn't take Plato any more, so I finally came inside. Did a few random things for a while in the room. Took a much needed nap and slept through dinner. Krissy and I had Tang and pickles later! Yumm! Watched Krissy get ready for her date. Cooked some Romen and watched "Maid in Manhattan." That was my day.

Thinking...

I wonder how many times we misinterpret people's actions to mean something other than what they truely mean. I know I do it a lot. There's innumerable situations right now even where I wonder if a friend or I have misinterpreted things completely. Maybe we see a conversation taking place between other people and we try to make up what was being said and we somehow convince ourselves that that indeed was the actual conversation. Or maybe we hear a comment and make the false assumption that it was about ourselves. Or we simply misread people's reactions. Maybe they're just tired, but we assume something is wrong because they don't seem to be themselves. The list goes on and on. I guess I'm being taught that you shouldn't make assumptions about people's actions. You should gather the facts before forming your opinion. Know what's going on instead of just thinking you know. As Socrates would say, the wise man is not the one who says he knows, but the one who says he does not know.

One of my many favorite songs...

I lift my eyes up to the mountains, where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, Maker of heaven, Creator of the earth.

Oh how I need You, Lord, You are my only hope, You are my only friend
So I will wait for You to come and rescue me, come and give me life... give me life.

Signs...

Neon signs. Big, flashing neon signs. That's what we should have. They should be above every person's head, telling us things we need to know about them. Like "Sincere" or "Jerk" or "Fake" or "Honest." So often we're left to wonder and figure these things out on our own. So often this becomes a very difficult task. It would be so much simpler if we just knew. If it were just told to us. Then we could skip the figuring out stage and get right into getting to know the people we want to get to know. In a perfect world, we would just know. But alas, ours is not a world of perfection, so we are left to figure it all out.

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

1 Peter 1:8-9/NIV
Verseoftheday.com

Why...

Why am I so stubborn? Why don't I get it? God has told me -- has promised me -- that if I seek Him, everything else will just fall into place. Yet I seek my own desires instead of His, and nothing really works out! Tonight He reminded me that if I would just leave things up to Him, the things I want will fall into my lap before I even notice. "Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day" (Rainer Maria Rilke).

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you."

Reach down, please touch my soul... I've given away pieces and it needs to be made whole... purge me in your healing flood... wash away the emptiness, fill me with your love... I want to taste of your mercy... I want to drink in your life... I want rest in your fullness... I want to run in your light... oh breathe in me... oh breathe in me... breath of life

-- "Breath of Life" by Among Thorns

"Painting Pictures of Egypt" by Sara Groves

I don't want to leave here;
I don't want to stay.
It feels like pinching to me either way.
And the places I long for the most
Are the places where I've been.
They are calling out to me like a long lost friend.

It's not about losing faith;
It's not about trust.
It's all about comfortable
When you move so much.
And the place I was wasn't perfect
But I had found a way to live.
And it wasn't milk or honey
But then neither is this.

I've been painting pictures of Egypt,
Leaving out what it lacked.
The future feels so hard
And I want to go back.
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned.
And those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned.

The past is so tangible;
I know it by heart.
Familiar things are never easy to discard.
I was dying for some freedom,
But now I hesitate to go,
I am caught between the promise
And the things I know. (chorus)

If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it.
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it.
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

For Krissy...

Don't you hate it when the last few bites of cereal will never get into your spoon and just keep floating around the bowl? I do.

Where is he?

Searching. Wondering. Waiting. Where is he? Is he here already and I just don't see him? Or is he somewhere else still? Who knows. I sure don't; I have no idea. I wish I knew. But am I supposed to know? Obviously not, because I don't. Can he see me? I don't really think so. I think we'll see each other at the same time. But what if he can? What if he can see me and I just can't see him? Is that possible? Hmmm. At any rate, the waiting sure is getting hard. Or boring. Hard and boring, I think. Is he waiting like I am? I mean, is it hard and boring for him, too? Or is he so preoccupied with everything else that he doesn't even realize the wait? Like the doctor's office. All it takes is a really intriguing magazine article and the wait is insignificant. But what to do when there's no magazines? A hard, boring wait. You become consumed with the fact that you're waiting. I'm consumed. I shouldn't be. I have plenty of magazines. But I guess it's like waiting to find out if you've got cancer. The magazines are of no help then. I'm not waiting for bad news, though. I have no reason to be anxious. Yet at times the anticipation is excruciating. Why is the smell of brownies baking so tormenting? Yeah, that's how it is. Like brownies. I know -- I know for sure -- they're going to taste incredible, but the wait is so hard. And I can't focus on how interesting the magazine is because the smell is there distracting me. So I am consumed with the fact that I am waiting. Searching. Wondering. Waiting.

Another quote from Martens. This one's for you, Laci.

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. (Rainer Maria Rilke -- "Letters to a Young Poet")

The following was a post from L.Martens at Wander, Worshipper, Lover of Leaving. I really like it.

Cutting the Strings

"Let us return once more to the image of the puppet theatre that our argument conjured up before. We see the puppets dancing on their miniature stage, moving up and down as the strings pull them around, following the prescribed course of their various little parts. We learn to understand the logic of this theatre and we find ourselves in its motions. We locate ourselves in society and thus recognize our own position as we hang from its subtle strings. For a moment we see ourselves as puppets indeed. But then we grasp a decisive difference between the puppet theatre and our own drama. Unlike the puppets, we have the possibility of stopping in our movements, looking up and perceiving the machinery by which we have been moved. In this act lies the first step towards freedom." (Peter L Berger)

I must be going crazy...

...because I just sat down and read all of Book 1 (which means chapter 1) of Plato's Republic in one sitting, AND I ENJOYED IT! Socrates is incredible! PRAISE GOD I'm done with the Pre-Socratic book that we had to read because it was as dry as could be. I have nothing to talk about today, so I'll stop rather than ramble. Later.

Everything happens for a reason...

...which is what I truly believe. I'm several days behind on my Bible reading, according to the schedule I'm trying to follow. This afternoon, however, it seemed that God had a reason for me to be "behind." Today I sat down to read Habakkuk, which I "should" have read on Friday. The following is the intro to the book from The Message, which I thought really applied to Laura's comment on the previous post. But maybe that's just me. Who knows. Hopefully this will mean something to somebody though!

Living by faith is a bewildering venture. We rarely know what's coming next, and not many things turn out the way we anticipate. It is natural to assume that since I am God's chosen and beloved, I will get favorable treatment from the God who favors me so extravagantly. It is not unreasonable to expect that from the time that I become his follower, I will be exempt from dead ends, muddy detours, and cruel treatment from the travelers I meet daily who are walking the other direction. That God-followers don't get preferential treatment in life always comes as a surprise. But it's also a surprise to find that there are a few men and women within the Bible who show up alongside us at such moments.
The prophet Habakkuk is one of them, and a most welcome companion he is. Most prophets, most of the time, speak God's Word to us. They are preachers calling us to listen to God's words of judgment and salvation, confrontation and comfort. They face us with God as he is, not as we imagine him to be. Most prophets are in-your-face assertive, not given to tact, not diplomatic, as they insist that we pay attention to God. But Habakkuk speaks our word to God. He gives voice to our bewilderment, articulates our puzzled attempts to make sense of things, faces God with our disappointment with God. He insists that God pay attention to us, and he insists with a prophet's characteristic no-nonsense bluntness.
The circumstance that aroused Habakkuk took place in the seventh century B.C. The prophet realized that God was going to use the godless military machine of Babylon to bring God's judgment on God's own people--using a godless nation to punish a godly nation! It didn't make sense, and Habakkuk was quick and bold to say so. He dared to voice his feelings that God didn't know his own God business. Not a day has passed since then that one of us hasn't picked up and repeated Habakkuk's bafflement: "God, you don't seem to make sense!"
But this prophet companion who stands at our side does something even more important: He waits and he listens. It is in his waiting and listening--which then turns into praying--that he found himself inhabiting the large world of God's sovereignty. Only there did he eventually realize that the believing-in-God life, the steady trusting-in-God life, is the full life, the only real life. Habakkuk started out exactly where we start out with our puzzled complaints and God-accusations, but he didn't stay there. He ended up in a world, along with us, where every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Two short passages--maybe three--from Habakkuk:
(without verse numbers, because they aren't marked in The Message)

God has perfect timing (from chapter 2): "If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time."

A godly life is the one worth living (from chapter 2): "But the person in right standing before God through loyal and steady believing is fully alive, really alive."

(end of chapter 3): "Though the cherry trees don't blossom and the strawberries don't ripen, Though the apples are worm-eaten and the wheat fields stunted, Though the sheep pens are sheepless and the cattle barns empty, I'm singing joyful praise to God. I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God. Counting on God's rule to prevail, I take heart and gain strength. I run like a deer. I feel like I'm king of the mountain!"

He hath made me glad...

I'm so glad for Christian friends. Friends who care about the same kind of stuff I do. Friends who love God. Friends who realize there's more to life than just doing what feels good. I'm glad for a super-cool room mate Laci; I'm glad for way-cool suitemates, Krissy and Erica; I'm glad for a lifelong best friend Allie. I'm glad for friends here at school, at Anastasia, at Westside. I'm glad for long-term friendships, short-term friendships, reconciled friendships, developing friendships. God's so cool. He made us with a need for companions and friends, but He doesn't leave us in need... He provides for us and fills that need. How incredible! You ever get to a point in your life where things are so good that you think "it must be all down-hill from here" and you're just waiting for something to go wrong, something to fall apart? Just you wait... God's got something great in store that you could have never anticipated. Yeah, we might go through some valleys in between the great times, but if you look around, God's always blessing in some way. Why wouldn't He? When He blesses you, He gets glory. It's very logical. But ultimately, I believe God desires to make us happy. He loves to see us smile. He loves even more when we acknowledge that the blessings that have made us smile are from Him.

Thank You, God, for the friends You have put into my life.

Krissy keeps complaining because I haven't written in almost a week, so at last, I have given in and I'm writing a new entry! This morning at church, the verse the sermon was from was Colossians 3:16. It says, "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord." The sermon had three main points: 1) Worship is led by the Holy Spirit, 2) Worship is a vertical experience, 3) Worship is a horizontal experience. The first two I had heard many times before, but the third one I had never really thought about. As the verse says, we are to teach and admonish each other, in this case specifically through music. Since music is a part of worship, it is logical to say that the teaching and admonishing is also a part of worship. The pastor explained that loving, forgiving, helping, teaching are all a part of worship. It makes perfect sense: when we do things for others, we are ultimately glorifying God, which is the heart of worship. Good things to think about.