Linsay over at Wanderer:Worshipper:Lover of Leaving said the following in a post of his, and it really describes how I've felt lately:
Perhaps I will always hold my theological understanding and Christian worldview loosely, in open hands … recognizing that my mortal understanding will never remotely grasp the truths of God.
I am comfortable with ambiguity … I no longer feel a need to have an opinion on absolutely everything … I no longer feel a need to have an answer for every single question.
But, despite all of this, I recognize that deconstruction is not the end goal. I am not satisfied to just continue tearing apart aspects of my faith and analyzing them. There comes a time when I must reconstruct a faith/theology/spiritual understanding which is more pure, raw, and vigorous than that which I have been deconstructing. This is what I find most difficult at this point … it has become easy to criticize the church and challenge my former way of thinking … but it has become more difficult to develop a new and healthier faith.